Dear 2023

  It’s a new year, 2024 to be exact. A time to let go of the old and embrace the new. To cast aside the past year and charge forth with new found vigor into the coming year. I write this now, even though it is well past the starting point for 2024, for myself to push forward into this year. A year that I wasn’t looking forward to starting, however time keeps moving on whether we like it or not. Now it is time for me to do the same.

This letter is for myself, even though it will be shared publicly, I want it to be a stepping stone for me this year. Maybe I’ll look back on this letter by the end of the year and hope my outlook has changed. Who knows? Only time will tell on that matter. I want to write this letter as well, so it may be easier to come back to writing weekly for I have had a long hiatus. The good thing though is that I have a lot of ideas and experiences that I want to write. I just need to find the will to write them now. A hard thing to do for me lately. Without further ado, let us embark on this journey together shall we?

Dear 2023,

    You had started off with such high hopes. Higher than I had dared to think, let alone believe in before. I believed so deeply and ran forth into the fray into unknown territory. Scared I was, but hope and belief had pushed it aside. With heart in hand to guide me and determination pumping through my veins. This was to be my year of change. This was going to be my last stand for the place I had once called home. This…made me blind to those around me…

Consumed by the need for change I had ignored those that I said I loved and cared for about the most. Saying to myself I would do it after all that changed. Doing it after I had gotten what was promised to me that year. I pushed and pushed myself away from others and harder and harder onto myself for this change. In the end nothing that I had tried so hard to work for happened.

In the end…I was left broken and hopeless. I still am to this day.

Where there achievements from 2023? Of course. I had pushed myself to get a license. Something that had needed to be done for a long time. Soon after, and reluctantly, had I gotten myself a car. A car that I do love and enjoy very much, but I didn’t want to saddle myself with this type of responsibility just yet. However the universe had other plans. What I had hoped to become responsible with was a home. A place I could call my own with the person I love the most. I did not care what it had looked like, for it was home for me as long it was with him. He felt the same notation, but sadly not the drive. And this is where things began to stall and derail the goals for this year. 

He had promised me a house would be mine this year. And I believed him wholeheartedly. Soon after it had changed from a house to an apartment, because the house could not be finished by that year as planned. I was okay with that. Soon the apartment wasn’t something feasible, so it turned into an RV. Something close by and cheap. I didn’t care at this point. I wanted something. As long as the separation between us could be gone and I could be away from the place I call home now. It may sound as though I am trying to escape and run away from my current place of residency. In a way I am. But not due to harmful activities. I need it for myself. For years I had become stagnant and had lost my northern star to guide me to where I belong. But I had found it again and did not want to let it go anymore. But nothing happened as planned or promised.

Disbelief and saddening clarity had coursed through my brain by the end of the year. I pushed myself onto the brink of exhaustion. Emotions frayed. Desperation screaming out of my voice. It couldn’t happen like this. This wasn’t what was planned for this year. I had worked so hard to make it happen and be ready for this change. As ready as I could be. But it wasn’t enough. For this decision was to have two people joined together. Not one. And it was only I that was ready. 

No. No. No. Three times it was said this year. Well more than three, but these ones were the most important to remember. No to the house. Crack. No to the apartment. Crack, crack. No to the Rv. Shatter. My hope gone. My belief in ruins. My trust destroyed. All this time and energy I had put into this goal was wasted. Lies were told and promises broken. Yelling ensued and arguments ran rampant. Tears shed and pain… So much unnecessary pain. The type of pain that changed people to their core.

I know it was not all someone else's fault for all the things that happened this past year. I take just as big a blame for all that has accrued as other people do. But I can still be just as depressed and sad about it. And I will for a long time. 

Needlessly to say, 2023 was not a good year for me. In fact I would say it is the second worst year for me in my life. A year that will haunt me for as long as I remain on this plane of existence. I purposely remained rather vague about things and did not wish to go into much detail. I know the story and so do others who were involved. I do not want to put anymore out there for others to read. 

I know there are others who had it worse last year as well and my story is nothing bad in comparison. I understand and acknowledge it. Regardless it was still a bad year for me and I hope to one day put it behind me. 

Thank you to those who have read through this unthought out and emotion filled letter. It truly does mean a lot to me. I hope everyone’s 2024 is a good or at the very best decent new year. I hope you’ll stick around and read all the new things I write this year. Until next time! Ta ta!

- Sincerely ASH